Friday, June 24, 2022
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Oak Place Apartments Disappear into Volcanic Sinkhole

You might notice that things look a little a different this week. That’s because in honor of April Fool’s Day (we know, we’re late), we’ve dedicated an entire issue to fake news! Remember, all of these articles are satire—not real. We’ll return to regular news next week. In the meantime, check out some of stories!

UMKC police reported yesterday that Oak Place Apartments were swallowed up by a massive, cavernous sinkhole into the bowels of the earth. UMKC officials stated that the school would be unable to compensate students for property damage or the emotional trauma of seeing friends and roommates plummet into the gaping hungry maw of molten rock.

“Really, this is what renter’s insurance is intended for,” a UMKC official said. Campus police are still investigating potential causes, although a “faulty hoverboard” is suspected as a possible culprit.

Students and local business owners reported feeling dismayed by the hellish pit which rests in the now vacant loft, often belching toxic fumes and superheated gas.

“At first I was afraid they were building another Whole Foods, so you know, it could have been worse,” one optimistic student said. Nearby businesses will also remain open despite the occasional aftershocks and ghostly wails that often emanate from the pit.

There are some positive developments to the change. The bright orange glow of hellfire that now illuminates Oak Street has led to a notable decrease in crime.

“I feel much safer walking around at night. The visibility is much better,” one student said. It is true that the improved lighting has apparently deterred potential muggers.

“While there have been a few reports of pedestrians being dragged into the dark below by humanoid lizards from an antediluvian civilization older than time itself, we have seen a marked drop in crime by unlawful elements from east of Troost,” one police official boasted.

Various student groups are choosing to see the bright side of the situation as well.

“It’s perfect for composting,” The president of the environmental club said. “We’re making real strides toward a more sustainable campus.”

The Bloch School of Business has also begun bottling the gas rising from the various methane geysers to sell as fuel to local corporations. The Conservatory of Music and Dance is reportedly looking into performing a tightly choreographed musical ritual to tear open another rift to complement its new campus in the Crossroads District.

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