Thursday, June 23, 2022
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A Millennial’s Guide to Political Persuasion

Where did the last four years go as the presidential election comes around again? Perhaps this campaign season more than any has sparked an intense debate among our friends, family and peers.

The ignorance astounds you. You and Aunt Kathy can no longer speak civilly. Just as you know that your beliefs are 100% soundproof, you also are aware that those who oppose you have been led astray somewhere along their abhorrent upbringing.

It is clear that the future of the next four years lies in your hands. The question is how do you bring others to the light? The answer is Facebook.

Why do we use Facebook? Is it to connect with friends and family? Keep each other updated on important milestones? Nay, it is for educating each and every one of your 856 Facebook friends. Once you decide to implement this powerful tool, make sure you follow the proper etiquette.

Cite sources and post only the appropriate information to share.

Everybody wants to know where you’re getting information from. No one listens to an uninformed biased peasant. The problem is you need to know who your sources are.

For my liberal friends, I recommend pulling evidence almost entirely from factual outlets such as the impartial Weekend Update from SNL, The Tonight Show,, MSNBC, and Rachel Maddow.

For my conservative counterparts, your sources can be found on the highly esteemed Fox News, Final Thoughts with Tomi Lahren, Chuck Norris, and your grandfather.

Your daily political posts should amount to or exceed five.

Anything less shows lack of commitment for your candidate and is unpatriotic. Donald and Hillary are counting on you! Propaganda was also a key component in WWI and II respectively.

Flag all comments that question your facts.

Remember, you are the educator and must discipline your students. Ignorance will not be accepted on the Facebook forum.

Tag all your Facebook friends who do not share the same beliefs with you so that you may gently nudge them in the right direction and truth.

In other words, with great power comes great responsibility.

Resort to name-calling with those who continuously disagree with you (ex. ignorant, racist, elitist, socialist, sheep, dumb, sensitive baby, etc.).

While this may seem immature, it serves two purposes. First, name-calling shows how passionate you are about your beliefs, and passion is contagious. Second, those being rightfully called out will almost certainly take a step back and reflect on what they can do to change this unwanted label (ex. Ceasing their sheepiness).

-Threaten to move to a different country

The best way to show your utter contempt for the opposing side is to threaten to move to a different country. This statement can be posted on Facebook, Twitter, blogs, in political debates, in class, through text messaging, and via a silent mantra. The simplicity and convenience of this phrase almost matches that of the punch it packs. At the end of the day, we as U.S. Citizens, do not ever want to alienate our fellow citizens. By pledging to leave the country if your candidate does not win, you will almost surely see your lost peers flock to your aide and cast their votes wisely.

Please remember, however, that if you are conservative, it is wise to avoid threatening to move to Canada as they are comparatively a much more socialist country than the United States. Conversely, if you are liberal, pledge your preference for any and all communist nations as a better alternative to a nation led by Donald Trump. If your conservative friends point out disparities in communist nations, delete and/or flag their comments.

Facebook on, and don’t forget to register to vote.

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