SATIRE: President Obama, Santa Claus for the 47 percent

U-News Staff

I visit Wal-Mart almost every week, and each visit brings a new surprise.

If it isn’t dodging the sight of butt cracks and excess cleavage only to later encounter them on The People of Walmart, it’s being evacuated from the store because of an active meth lab found inside a shoplifter’s purse.

People have no shame.

On Black Friday, I saw a bearded man wearing a red suit in line at the register. It piqued my curiosity.

A steadfast opponent of government spending, I feel it is my duty to be watchful and make sure those in front of me at the checkout pay with their own money.

I watched as the man pulled out an EBT card bearing the name “Santa Claus.” Father Christmas was using my money to buy his groceries. I decided to call him out.

“Excuse me sir,” I interjected. “Can you please explain why you’re using food stamps to buy eggnog and Christmas cookies?”

The ruddy-faced gentleman’s eyes sunk as he tilted his head toward his chest.

A tearful Santa explained that instead of placing a lump of coal from a West Virginia strip mine in Mitt Romney’s Christmas stocking, he accidentally gave him the deed to his North Pole workshop.

The former Bain Capital CEO introduced a bold plan to increase cash flows from the operation by cutting worker pay and eliminating pensions, health care insurance and a popular gains-sharing program.

Instead of thanking Governor Romney for his business acumen, the International Brotherhood of Elves, Fairies and Leprechauns went on an eight-week strike.

After an unsuccessful court-ordered mediation with the elves union, the operation was quickly dismantled and outsourced to China.

An unfortunate string of events followed. The angry elves stormed Santa’s house, killing Mrs. Claus and leaving Santa permanently disabled.

A bastion of generosity has since become just another self-entitled 47-percenter who can’t keep his hands out of the public cookie jar.

In the meantime, President Obama has stepped into Santa’s previous role.

Each election, he dons a red suit and traverses the country chimney-to-chimney in a hybrid sled, giving free gifts to his supporters while shouting, “Ho-Ho-Hope and change!”

(Ever wonder what happened to all that stimulus money?)

This is a travesty of Christmas, which should be celebrated on Dec. 25, not the first Tuesday of November.

The lazy American public accepted Obama’s free gifts, and I am sick and tired of people treating the government like a toy ATM.

This is Stage 4 cancer of socialism an illegitimate rape of the American taxpayer.

As a patriotic American, and thus a conservative Republican, my allegiance is to the Tea Party flag, not the stars and stripes.

It is time for we patriotic conservatives to band together and petition to leave the U.S. and form our own country.

We will write a new Constitution that first and foremost protects our right to bear arms. Secondly, it will expressly state that we are a Christian nation—the best in the world—and that any liberal activist judge who says otherwise is to be immediately shot point blank.

Please join with me and all of the other patriotic Americans who are petitioning to secede from the U.S.

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Editor’s Note: The author and events depicted herein are a work of satirical fiction. Any resemblance between the author and real life persons or events is a coincidence. This satire column was written by Nathan Zoschke.