Kids these days: ‘Screw you guys, I’m going home’

Tyren Rushing

Have you ever had to rewind a VHS tape, use AOL dial-up or blow on your video game cartridges to make them work?

If you have, congratulations, I don’t hate you… yet.

My ire is directed at folks who are younger than me and have benefited from the amazing technology that has dropped in the last decade.

I’ve seen toddlers play Angry Birds on iPads, been cursed at by racist adolescents on Xbox Live and have seen kids having sleepovers in front of 55-inch HDTVs watching crystal clear Blu Rays.

It’s not fair that the generation after mine is having a technological revolution and by comparison my generation got hosed. I didn’t get my first cell phone  ’til I was 17 years old. It was a flip phone with a Jay-Z polyphonic ringtone. In 2004, that was a top-of-the-line cell phone.

That same year, I also got my first MP3 player. I wanted an iPod, but they sold out. My pops got me a 20-gigabyte MP3 player that was roughly the size of a Walkman (that’s a portable cassette player for you younger folks). I was the most technologically advanced kid walking the halls of Washington High School at the time. It was awesome.

Times have changed drastically since those Stone Age days of electronics. I have a sister 12 years younger than me who has an iPhone. One of her best friends has had her own cell phone since she was 6, and my 5-year-old godson got an Android tablet last Christmas.  The only phrase that can convey how I feel about this is by the great philosopher Eric Cartman, “Seriously, screw you guy’s, I’m going home.”

It’s not just technology and the really young kids who grind my gears, some of you younger college students are living it up a bit too much for my liking.

I walk around campus and see Armani, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Prada and Burberry, and the stuff is actually real and not knockoffs.

When I walk and see people driving, I see kids driving luxury cars, sports cars and nice mid-size sedans with great gas mileage.

I see the older students like myself driving what I like to refer to as the roll-of-the-dice cars— every time you try to start that car, it’s a roll of the dice if it’s going to start or not.

So when did college kids start balling out? The first car I had all to myself was a purple 1999 Plymouth Breeze. It had a duct-tape mirror, bungee cords holding up the front bumper, three hubcaps and yes, a cassette deck.

I loved that car. I also loved eating Ramen and Hot Pockets, going places that offered free food and renting movies from the library. I didn’t have Netflix, eat organic food or wear the top brands in fashion.

Maybe I’m just a bitter young-old man who is making assumptions. But I do know one thing that is certain: I hate the kids.

[email protected]