Soda, an antidote for socialism

U-News Staff

My trip to New York City last week provided a needed escape from my tribulations back home.

It’s difficult to be an activist in Kansas City without enduring ridicule from those who try to silence me by having different political views.

The world would be a better place if people just went along with everything I said. They would see this if they just listened to me for once.

Despite its numerous merits, my campaign to remove nude statues from the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art failed miserably this past summer.

It was inspired by the petition drive to remove the notorious sexting statue from the Overland Park Arboretum. Why must I view art that I find personally offensive?

Beauty is a relative standard, and as a native Texan, I think big is beautiful. Unfortunately, there isn’t much size representation among nude statues. Impressionable youth are going to get the wrong idea.

What if they decide sexting or posing naked in public is cool because they see a statue doing it?

And don’t get me wrong – I love going to Missie B’s and Hamburger Mary’s with my gay boys – but what if young males see a granite phallus and begin to experience same-sex attraction?

Some people don’t care, and that’s because they’re socialists. I don’t really know what that word means, but the blonde lady on Fox News said it was a bad thing.

My political views run the gamut, and I enjoy being both bipartisan and nonpartisan. I guess that makes me a libertarian, another word I don’t quite understand, but it sounds hip and anti-establishment.

I took my libertarian size acceptance activism to the next level in the Big Apple.

Like Kansas City, there are a lot of socialists in New York, but instead of being nude statue-loving socialists, they’re soda-hating socialists.

Because New York City has limited the size of soda bottles and other sugary drinks to 16 ounces, I had to make a lot of unnecessary trips to get refills.

I’ve never had to do so much walking around in a restaurant before in my life.

Despite this, I spent the first four days of my five day trip on a culinary adventure, eating every hoagie and slice of New York-style pizza in sight.

On the fifth day, I sprang into action.

I shared 40 different Coca-Cola and Pepsi commercials on YouTube, and posted several different Facebook memes of Michael Bloomberg being dowsed in Mountain Dew from a 7-Eleven Big Gulp cup (the soda regulations don’t apply to convenience or grocery stores).

Altogether, my social media activism netted 100 likes, 20 shares and 15 comments, from a grand total of seven people!

Most importantly, the right people listened. A group of soda makers and restaurateurs, led by the American Beverage Association and National Restaurant Association, has banded together to sue the city.

I can say with confidence that it’s all because of me, because their lawsuit – a direct result of my social media awareness campaign – will bring New York City’s socialists to a grinding halt.

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Editor’s Note:

The author and events depicted in this column are a work of satirical fiction. Any resemblance to real-life persons or events is a coincidence. The satire column is written by Nathan Zoschke.