Driver’s Ed with Lindsay

Lindsay Lillig

I have a dream. I have a dream that one day all drivers of the nation will operate their vehicles with competency. I have a dream that one day driving will no longer be a game of life-or-death bumper cars. I have a dream that one day I will drive down Roanoke or Ward Parkway and not fear for my and the life of my loved ones. I have a dream.
Nevertheless, it occurred to me that in order for this dream to come true, I cannot stay quiet any longer. It is time for the incompetency, ignorance and false entitlement flying rampant down the streets to come to a halt. Immediately. Now and forever.
“But Lindsay, however will you accomplish such a dream?” you may ask yourself.
First and foremost, I shall lead all readers through a fool-proof driving lesson. Secondly, I plan to throw bouncy balls at all cars that fail to retain said driving lesson. Thirdly, I will simply install a camera and microchip in every vehicle and immobilize them as I see fit…Hopefully only the first procedure will be necessary. Therefore, buckle up and take notes.
1. When pulling away from a curb, use the turn signal, look down the street in both directions and proceed at a sensible (not too slow, but not stupid fast) speed.
2. Before backing out of a parking spot, check the rearview mirror and look out of your windows. Make sure to be clear of obstacles at all angles before putting the car in reverse.
3. When switching lanes, check mirrors and blind spots. Oh, and, maybe use the turn signal. And preferably signal in advance to merge. The turn signal is there to forewarn other drivers that you are changing the lane you currently occupy.
4. Speed limits are posted for a reason. If you are speeding, there is an even higher chance that you are also not paying attention to other cars on the road. So you have a higher chance of wrecking or causing someone else to wreck. Nothing is worth speeding for if it endangers the lives of others.
5. Travel a safe distance from other vehicles. Don’t ride the rear end of the car in front you. All this does is make you look like a jerk, piss off the other driver and create too much potential for a collision.
For now, I will stop with those five. Enacting the aforementioned protocol will eradicate the main roots of horrifically poor driving. Eating and driving and texting and driving are entirely different animals in and of themselves, so I will leave them be for now. I simply beg once more to apply the tips above. Slow down, pay attention and remind yourself that there are other people on the road, too.
Please and thank you.